My sharing from my mom's funeral service - May 21, 2005

My mom used to love it when I wrote letters to her: for her birthday, for mother’s day and other special occasions. Many times when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday or Christmas, she would tell me that she just wanted me to write her a letter or a card. She seemed to like my writing so much that she would often ask me to draft out thank you cards to her friends, for her to copy into cards. She called me her secretary. I guess she found it hard to find the words sometimes and she trusted me to use mine.

That’s why I wanted to speak today. As difficult as it is, I know she would want me to be her voice. I will try to tell you want is on my heart and what she would want to say to you.

On a day such as today, where so many of her family and friends are gathered in her memory and honour, I know she would be very pleased and happy. A smile would form across her face as she looks upon each person in her life and as we remember her.

I remember her warmth and smile. It was amazing how with one smile and comforting touch or hug, she brought such love into our lives and spoke volumes with hardly any words at all. She always had the right thing to say and knew the right thing to do in every situation. She brought such reassurance to each person and situation. I’m sure she did this for many of you as she did for me

When I think about these last three years of her illness, I remember how strong and brave she was from the start. She comforted each one of us in the family each time we became worried, panicked or sad, even though she was the one who was sick! From the very beginning and even until the very end, she was the strongest of us all. She endured every moment with great inner strength and inner peace, a true testament of her faith and close relationship with God.

I want her to know what a huge impact and impression she has made on my life. Not only did she form and give birth to my body but along with my dad, she has formed and molded my character and mind. Mom—you have made me into who I am.

She taught me so much, not just through her words but much more through her actions. In her hospitable and welcoming nature, she taught me how to serve and care for others, how to recognize their needs and how to tend to them. In her kind and generous nature, she taught me the meaning of selflessness, always looking out for the needs of others and putting them before herself. In her thoughtfulness to others she taught me to take care of the little things, the small details in life.

My mom taught me how to enjoy and appreciate the good things in life, like music, flowers, good food (like chocolate!) and friends; as well as the good moments in life – our times together as a family: cooking together, eating together, family vacations. She was the glue that held my family together.

My whole life, I’ve tried so hard to please my parents—to make my mom proud and to gain her approval. It has always been so important to me and a driving and motivating force in my life. I truly valued and honoured my mom’s opinion and often sought her advice. This is one of the things I will miss that the most I think: her smile and nod of approval to tell me that I’ve done good, that she approves and is happy with what I’ve done.

The last week before my mom passed away, she wasn’t able to talk much – her voice was hoarse from the coughing and soon was reduced to a whisper. I know that if she could, to the very last moment, she would have loved to speak to each of you.

To those of you who don’t know my mom too well but know my dad, my sister or me, she would want to thank you for your support and encouragement, for upholding our family in thought in prayer, and caring for our family. She would tell you how thankful she is for you and the part you play in her family’s life.

For those of you who knew my mom well, and were touched by her love in your life, she would want to say thank you, for every kind gesture and thoughtful word, for all the prayers spoken in her presence and in private. I’m quite certain that she will miss you as much as you will miss her.

To my family, I think she would want to tell us to stick together, to help each other out and to take care of each other, so that she can be at peace knowing that we’re okay and that we will see her together in heaven.

Mom, we will always love you and miss you. See you again in heaven.

Sorry, the last email may not been totally clear. Please see below with changes marked with *.

Visitation
Date: Friday, May 20th
Time: 6pm-9pm
Location:

R.S. Kane Funeral Home *Room 215
6150 Yonge Street (south of Steeles on the west side)
Toronto, Ontario
*Phone: 416-221-1159

Funeral Service

Date: Saturday May 21st
Time: 11am *to 12pm (please try to arrive a little early)

*Location:

R.S. Kane Funeral Home
6150 Yonge Street (south of Steeles on the west side)
Toronto, Ontario

Burial to follow at the Holy Cross Cemetary (8361 Yonge Street, south of Highway 7)
Reception afterwards *at approximately 1:30pm at China Buffet King (9737 Yonge St - north of Highway 16, south Major Mackenzie)

*For those who would like to show their support through a gift, we are grateful accepting donations to our church, Markham Chinese Presbyterian Church. Donation envelopes will be available at the visitation and funeral service.

Here are the details for this weekend:

Visitation
Date: Friday, May 20th
Time: 6pm-9pm
Location:
R.S. Kane Funeral Home
6150 Yonge Street (south of Steeles on the west side)
Toronto, Ontario

Funeral Service
Date: Saturday May 21st
Time: 11am
Burial at the Holy Cross Cemetary (8361 Yonge Street, south of Highway 7).
Reception to follow.

For those who would like to show their support through a gift, we are grateful accepting donations to our church, Markham Chinese Presbyterian Church.

Dear friends,

All this time I had been wondering why God had not been answering our prayers. Tonight I understood, that all this time, He had been listening and answered our prayers perfectly.

On Friday night, my mom was having much difficulty breathing. Upon her insistence, we called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. At the hospital, they gave her an oxygen mask to help her breathing and found that her pulse was very rapid. Since her lungs seemed to be functioning at only partial capacity, the inserted a chest tube to relieve what they thought was fluid collecting around her lungs but when inserted it, they realized it was air. Still, she felt somewhat better and was able to breathe better. After that she was admitted to a private room to rest.

Saturday, we spent the day with her at the hospital. Although she wasn't able to talk much and her breathing was laboured, she gestured to us often with a "thumbs up" to indicate what she wanted to do. Since she hadn't eaten since lunch the day before, she was quite hungry and ate a good breakfast and some oatmeal. I spent the morning with her, and she took some naps and rested. Throughout the day, she made an effort to get her energy back up by eating and drinking as much as she could. She spent time with several visitors and and managed a smile on several occasions to encourage us all.

On Sunday, I went to visit her after church. My dad and sister had been with her all morning and around noon she started to have increasing difficulty breathing. She seemed quite anxious, tense and frustrated with her situation. The doctor came by and told us that she had developed pneumonia and in the span of only a day, it had progressed a great deal. He told us to prepare ourselves... we would likely only have the rest of the day with her.

We spent some time with her and spoke to her. Even though her eyes were mostly closed, she managed to open them on several occasions: when people came to visit she recognized their voices, when my grandma came to hold her hand, she recognized her presence, and when we told her how much we loved her, she opened her eyes briefly in recognition. Many of her closest friends and family were able to visit, and spend time with her. Soon, the question became whether or not she would be at peace to go to God, knowing that she wouldn't be able to see Clayton and I get married. Upon our pastor's suggestion, we decided to do our vows right then in there, in her presence, before each other and before God. Clayton's mom and sister came to the hospital and among friends and family, we were married! My mom opened her eyes briefly several times, and seemed to recognize what had happened.

Later on, when others had left, we noticed that indeed she seemed much more relaxed. We tried to make her as comfortable as possible, wiping her forehead, adjusting her oxygen mask and holding her hand throughout it all. We read Bible scriptures to her, including her favourite and most comforting Psalm, Psalm 23. This was a passage that she recited to herself often when she had various procedures being done. She told us that it helped her to relax and to remember how God was with her. We brought her favourite music, Butterfly Lovers and played it in the background. She seemed very at peace and relaxed, as if finally sleeping after not being able to rest for so many nights. Later in the evening, around 10pm, her breathing had become more slowed. We crowded around her and held her close to us. Soon she joined God in heaven. We all wept with sadness but knew in our hearts that she was in a better place, free from her struggle and suffering. We could not ask for more.

Amazingly, it was in the last hours of having my mom beside me that I realized how God's plan was so perfect. My mom had been with us almost 3 years after she was first diagnosed with lung cancer, and throughout it all, she endured very little pain. For sure, she had frustrating times with her coughing and difficulties breathing, but even the night before she passed away, when we asked her if she was in pain, she said no-- she only felt tightness and some discomfort. Indeed God had been looking out for her the whole way. In these past 3 years, we had so many meaningful times with her, and ample opportunities to tell her, show her and demonstrate to her, how much we loved her. And she did the same for us, tenfold.

My mom was amazing-- somehow even though she was the one who was sick, she spent all her time comforting those around her to the very end. Not only her husband, her daughters, her mother and sister, but her close friends, her new friends, her church family and everyone she came in touch with. All those who knew her and spent time with her felt the full extent of her love, joy and peace... it was unmistakable. We were all touched by her warmth, her smile, and knowing way, and we thank God for each opportunity.

God did have a perfect way. He spared her from pain and we are all so grateful for that. She is with God and what a great place that must be! One day we will join and be reunited, so we have no reason to be sorrowful or in despair. We must only endure life for a short while without her physical presence among us, but we know that she is with us in our hearts always and that is what is most important.

Thank you all for your love and support all this time. Please do keep us in your prayers, especially my grandmother, aunt and father, who will be feeling this loss very deeply. Pray that we would remember the promises of God's word and that the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, might guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I will send out more information on the funeral service for my mom once we have made the arrangements. Please ask others to check http://pray4lilian.blogspot.com for details.

With love, Deb

Hi all,

The last time I updated you, my mom was going through radiation treatments. That seems so long ago now! For awhile, the treatments reduced her coughing at night, but instead it caused her to cough more in the morning. Now, several months later, she has been coughing in the morning AND in the evening.

To make it worse, the radiation treatments caused her to lose her appetite, and she seems even thinner and more frail than before. Overall, she is pretty weak, has worsening coughing episodes, and starting to become short of breath. In addition, she has been having trouble sleeping at night because of her coughing, tightness and pain in her chest. As a result has only slept several hours these last couple nights.

We're all really worried, concerned and feeling very helpless. In the span of only a week, her condition has worsened and I'm so saddened and troubled to see my mom like this.

Please take some time out of your day to pray for my mom. It's become so evident that the medicines and treatments of this earth can only bring so much comfort and peace, and that God is our true healer and strength.

Much love, Deb